The Grossest Thing Ever
by robert3A-SN
Summary: April is left in shock for once, when she gets a peek at something truly horrifying- at least to her- in Ben's room one night.


If it was possible for April Ludgate to be content, this situation wouldn't be the worst way to do it. She was listening to her iPod on the couch, which blocked out Andy's annoying noises while he was playing Xbox. Plus, Ben hadn't bugged them about messes or bills or clothes in the dryer all night, so it was just like the good old days.

So of course, something had to ruin everything right about then. And of course, it had to be because her iPod battery had died, and April could hear everything else in the stupid real world again. Now she was gonna have to use Ben's iPod to block it out, and get through all his dumb playlists and _Star Wars _music to download the good stuff again.

"Ben, my iPod's dead, I need yours!" Yet after 30 seconds, and six more video game zombies killed by Andy, April still didn't have it. In fact, Ben hadn't even shown up to say no at first, which was weird since that was his favorite thing to do. "Ben, I said I need your iPod, where is it?" But he still didn't come down.

Now this was annoying, even by his standards. It wasn't enough that he kept making them buy adult stuff, but now he was gonna make her get up to get his iPod? Just for that, tomorrow she'd tell Ron that Ben had hippie music on there, or something that Ron would yell at him for. Maybe she'd actually put that stuff on his iPod once she got it- that was how mad she was getting right now.

It didn't help her mood when she finally had to give up, and get up on her feet. "Whoh, where are you going? You're gonna miss me slice this dead guy in six pieces, and it took me months to reach that level!" Andy pleaded.

"I'm going into Ben's room, he's gotta have his nerd iPod in there somewhere." But instead of going back to zombie chopping, Andy was actually still looking at her. "Um, April, are you sure it's there? Maybe it went to a nerd convention somewhere out of his room."

"Or maybe Ben's at that nerd convention and needs a lesson in leaving his nerd stuff behind, and making me get it."

"Or maybe there's another secret explanation that you don't really need to find….in his room." Great, Ben's nagging was finally infecting Andy- April was gonna put so much hippy music in his iPod now. But at least it looked like Andy was getting his in the game. "Or maybe that zombie just chopped your legs off."

"What? Aw, that'll take me down to a 5 slice level again!" So Andy went back to work trying to cut off more zombie limbs, while April was free to head for Ben's room.

When it was in sight, April saw that Ben's door was closed- so now he was even out to make her knock on it too. If this was some lame lesson to make her more active by strangling him, she grudgingly had to admit it just might work.

But her new thoughts about strangling someone for an iPod were interrupted by the sound of laughter. Now he really was tempting the fires of Hell….even if that didn't sound like his laughter.

Whatever it was, it was coming from behind his door. And whatever it was, it was probably something that would humiliate Ben if April barged in to see it. Maybe that would make her only need to put four hippie songs on the iPod for added revenge. She might only do that much anyway, since all this effort was taking a lot out of her, but now she would have more of an excuse to lay off.

So she got ready to grab the doorknob, with the potential sight of Ben's embarrassed, iPod hogging face fueling her.

But once she put her hand on the knob, she heard that other laughter again….and started to remember where she heard it before. And where she could barely block it out every single day at work.

No, that couldn't be it….the iPod withdrawal was starting to make April hear things, it had to be that. And why would she be hearing that kind of noise in here? There was no reason for it to be here, and it hadn't been since the wedding.

But just in case, she decided against opening the door in a flash, turning the knob really slowly and opening the door just a tiny bit.

Yet even that was ultimately enough to almost burn her eyes out.

Even leaving the door a tiny inch open was enough, to let the image of Leslie and Ben making out destroy her brain. Although their clothes were still on, and they were just sitting upright on the bed while kissing, it was still pretty destroyed.

However, enough of it still worked to make her close the door quietly, so they wouldn't see her and rub it in even more. She actually walked away quiet enough so they couldn't tell she was there- which wasn't bad for someone who almost forgot the way back to the couch.

In spite of still looking like her usual, blank faced self, there was a more traumatized side to that face than usual now. Even Andy picked up on it, and gaped accordingly while letting out a knowing laugh. "Did you find the iPod in there? Or did it look more like a naked Leslie?" At that, Andy's eyes widened. "Wait, was she actually naked? Oh dude, Ben's a pimp!"

As if this wasn't horrific enough, Andy had to ask that to go with it. April was about to shriek out an "Ew!" before she figured out another terrible fact. "You….you knew she might be naked in there, and you didn't warn me?"

"I thought the room warnings were a dead giveaway! You're off your game, Ludgate, but I knew that from your Xbox stats tonight. Now, what about the naked stuff?"

"What about you telling me how you knew they were in there, before I practice some limb cutting in the real world?" Usually April could even deliver threats like that in a monotone, but she was so distressed that one or two of those words actually sounded emotional.

"Okay, okay! I heard Ben inviting Leslie to come here when I was closing up the shine. He saw that I was watching after Leslie left, and he begged me not to tell you or Chris or anyone, and not let you notice her sneaking in through his window or see anything else dirty! And unless you're gonna spill about the dirty stuff up there, I'm gonna sadly assume that I kept my promise."

"Fine, assume, just don't say dirty or naked again! Seeing them kiss was disgusting enough, thank you."

"Aw….wait, if you think kissing is disgusting, then have you been kissing me all this time to get sick? Do you have an eating or kissing disorder I don't know about, cause you don't look all that emancipated."

"I meant _them_ kissing is disgusting, duh!" April finally sat down, since standing up wasn't making her block out what she saw faster. "What are _they _even doing making out anyway?"

"Because of their secret love, what else?" Yet even Andy could pick up that April didn't know what that meant. "Wait, you didn't know? Seriously? Come on, it's so obvious, you must see them making googley eyes at the office all this time!"

"Does any of that sound like something I'd pay attention to, Andy?" April snapped back.

"K, good point. They probably had to cut down lately, what with Chris's dumb rules and all." At that, April now remembered that Andy brought up Chris earlier. Maybe talking about how dumb Chris was could restore order to the universe again. "What dumb rules from dumb Chris?"

"He's got this thing against them dating at work, so that's why they had to come here and get romantic and stuff." It figured that Chris would be behind making April suffer again- it was probably payback for her not going to Indianapolis. But then again, he would have made Andy suffer too for talking her out of it, and it didn't look like he was suffering enough quite yet. In fact, he was still talking.

"It really sucks, you know? Ben's really got it bad for Leslie, and that's not a guy who gets it bad for anything but numbers, or Star Wars, or yelling at us for leaving razors in the cereal box. It's like he hates everything cool except Leslie, even though she's a lot more fun and smiley than he is! Weird how happy and grouchy people still wanna have secret hookups in Burly's old room. But that's secret love, I guess."

Since he'd run out of ideas to tease April, or get any graphic details out of her, Andy went back to playing Xbox. But April still just sat there, and was actually able to block out Andy's noises, and cheers over cutting up zombies, even without an iPod.

At least Ben and Leslie's kissing was only flashing through a few times each second now. At the moment, she was actually going over Andy's last comment, and succeeding to some extent. If anyone other than Andy had said it, that talk about a happy and grouchy couple would have sounded a bit suspicious. Like any couple could be half happy and half grouchy- they were all either both sappy like her parents, or all bitter like every other normal couple out there. No one else was half of each except for her and Andy.

But if Ben and Leslie were together, and they were….who they were, then….

Now April really was going off the deep end, if she was comparing them and her marriage. Because that would make her the Ben in her relationship, and that was impossible. Sure, Ben hated everything and complained all the time, a little bit like she did, but he hated cool stuff and she didn't. And there was no way that Andy was like Leslie…..except that they were the only two people that April ever said "I love you" to.

She still couldn't believe the wedding made her say that to Leslie. Maybe she was just relieved because Leslie kept complaining about them getting married, but stayed quiet at the end and let it happen. April could tell that it still made her uneasy, yet she was still keeping silent and letting them stay together.

And she should, cause who was she to complain now, being in a secret relationship and all? Now Leslie really was the last one who should say she was too young to know Andy was the love of her life, and shouldn't make it official now. Sure, he was kinda dumb and annoying and beat her too much in zombie video games, but she still loved him, even if no one else could see the not-lame stuff in him. It was hard, but it was still there- and Leslie should know all about that if she can stand to kiss Ben.

If this crazy, loud, bossy…..but still not entirely uncool person can kiss that boring, whiny guy who complains about everything except….except the one person that April just found out he likes….

Okay, this was why caring about stuff like this, or anything at all, was aggravating.

But this lame stuff was partly about her and Andy, and that wasn't lame. And if Leslie and Ben were like them, and they were together despite being so different, and Leslie wasn't all that lame to begin with, and she was with someone so different that she could still like anyway….

Thinking about all that really made the making out stuff look better by comparison.

So naturally, Ben finally chose that moment to come into the room. But even that didn't help distract April, when she saw something as weird as anything else tonight.

Instead of whining about the XBox, or the socks left on the carpet, he was actually….smiling. That was supposed to be impossible, but so were a lot of things before the last few minutes.

After living with the guy for a few weeks, she knew that him actually smiling looked really, really creepy to her. Almost….almost as creepy as the picture Andy took of her smiling like that during their honeymoon. But she wasn't supposed to be thinking about that, after she erased all the evidence of it and still had to make out with Andy to pull it off.

And yet here she was, thinking again about how she let herself go like that- not for the first time around Andy- and how it wasn't all that lame until she actually noticed it. And now that she had an idea of why Ben was smiling that way too…..something about it wasn't that awful either.

"Oh wait, April, here's my iPod. Sorry I didn't get it to you earlier, I was caught up listening to the Imperial March. But I won't be needing it for a while now."

Once Ben handed her the long sought-after iPod and headed for the kitchen, April was surprised to note she was still looking at him instead. Stupid Ben, making her wait a stupid long time for this, while he was making her stupid think he really had a good….not stupid reason.

Maybe spending so much time around goofy people messed you up, but not in the worst way- even if there were just two goofy people in the world that were really tolerable. And even if they still wanted to be goofy and lame around such different people….maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing for any of them. Especially if Chris didn't like some of it.

"Whoh, April, look how I sucked out that eye socket! High five!"

Yeah, there could be things even worse than making out with Leslie. Or worse than having one of those yucky little Andy smiles, while saying a little "Yay," and high-fiving him over a zombie video game. Maybe.

But that was no longer on April's mind as she got up, without Ben's iPod, and headed over to him in his kitchen while he had one of his Leslie smiles. "Oh, did you need me to make room on the iPod for your playlist?" Ben asked as he opened a small bottle of soda.

"You two aren't the grossest thing ever." That erased the Leslie smile quite quickly. "And you better warn me next time so I can get 100 miles away first. Otherwise I might have to shoot you both with marsh mellows while you're both sleeping."

April managed to step away before Ben's spilled soda got on her shoes.

"I'm not cleaning that up," she pointed out before calling back to Andy. "Andy, stupid Ben spilled soda on the kitchen floor, don't clean it!"

"Got it!" Andy called back as April made her way back to the couch, with her old mind intact again.

It took her a few minutes to get her favorite songs onto Ben's iPod. But that wasn't as long as it took for Ben to leave the kitchen, and to start reviewing his other secret make-out location ideas again.


End file.
